Losing weight, weight loss, dieting, and any of the other eleventy million words, acronyms, or cliches we use to describe dropping pounds can bring anxiety to many of us that have battled weight challenges in our life. Many folks that haven’t faced weight issues are full of helpful* strategies to help us overcome our challenges. Until you’ve looked in the mirror and felt rage, anger, shame, disgust, embarrassment, and sadness at the reflection staring back at you, then you’re probably not qualified to give us an opinion we likely don’t want anyways.

Until about eight years ago, I was the founding member of the Embarrassingly Fat One Handed Guys of America Club (EFOHGAC, which is remarkably close to the sound I made after eating a Big Mac), having gained and lost hundreds of pounds in my life. I’m excruciatingly familiar with the feeling we get when someone waxes poetic on the new hot diet they’re hawking (LOSE 1100 POUNDS IN 4 WEEKS OR LESS!) or the exercise routine someone’s boss’s cousin’s ex-wife pool boy used to drop 3 pounds in four grueling months to get ready for their eighth bodybuilding competition.

Without further ado, these are the top five things I’d never tell someone trying to battle their expanding waistline.

1. Don’t eat when you’re not hungry-Holy Moses, do you think we’re not aware of this? Do you understand why we eat and the underlying issues that drive us to eat? What I think many folks don’t understand is that eating is a symptom of a much bigger problem. Overeating can be one of the strongest coping mechanisms any of us develop after enduring trauma, whether that’s in our youth or as an adult. Saying this also infantilizes the recipient of this message. They’re not children, they are real people with real issues so please treat them accordingly.

2. Get a membership at the athletic club and go workout 5 days a week-Again, Moses enters the chat. Telling someone that’s led a sedentary lifestyle to hop in the gym cold turkey is akin to parting the seas. The gym can be one of the most intimidating places for anyone to walk in fresh off the street. Add the stress of being overweight and the fear of being judged and you can see why so many of us are reticent to join the local Gold’s or Planet Fitness. I don’t give a shit if there’s a Lunk Alarm or the staff embraces body positivity, no amount of feel-good marketing will push someone to hop on the fitness bandwagon. I was lucky to begin lifting weights when I was young so my level of comfort was substantially higher than the vast majority of guys and gals looking to begin their fitness journey.

3. Try my <insert newest trend in weight loss/exercise>-Losing weight isn’t one-size-fits-all and there is no quick fix that will lead you to your dream weight in a short period of time. What’s worked for me may work for you but there’s a great chance that it won’t. In order to get to that point of disgust, where you’re so fed up with your current situation that you cannot continue avoiding it, you’ve got to be incredibly honest with yourself. That requires a level of self-reflection many people aren’t prepared to encounter. These folks are trying to get in touch with their mental health in order to understand what led to where they are now.

4. Oh you can have just one, live a little!-I once sabotaged myself after losing almost 100 pounds by eating ONE Oreo. Yes indeed, you read that right, I ate one Oreo, lost control yet again, and gained back all of the weight and more. When we’re trying to lose weight and we’re on a successful path, please don’t try to get us to cheat. Now with the Oreo, that was all on me, nobody told me to eat it, but my point remains, when we’re on the road towards our goals please don’t try and get us to swerve into the ditch. That one Oreo triggered something inside my brain and all of the hard work I’d done to that point unraveled in a moment and threw me into another downward spiral. And sometimes people want us to eat so they can feel good about their unhealthy habits. If you know a buddy attempting to kick their Colombian bam bam (cocaine) addiction, would you offer them a little bump so you feel good about your use? The same thing goes for those of us trying to lose weight.

5. You’re great at any weight- I understand where you’re coming from; you’re trying to encourage us to accept ourselves as we are and I can appreciate that. It is important for us to accept who we are, most definitely, but who we are also plays directly into our weight issues. What led us to this place is what we must focus on to get ourselves out. I had to want to lose the weight for myself and only myself. I tried weight loss bets, fad diets, and liquid diets-nothing worked like doing it for me and that required NOT being happy at any weight.

This isn’t a complete list by any stretch of the imagination since it’s only from my point of view. I want all of us to be healthy and in shape but I also know what a monumental battle weight loss and fitness can be. There is no boilerplate diet plan or fitness regime for any of us since every single one of us responds to different stimuli in different ways. If you’re on a path to achieving your weight loss goals then please keep on kicking ass and taking names. If you’re in the orbit of somebody trying to lose weight, especially if you’re in shape and know their trials and tribulations, please try to communicate with them in a manner that focuses on their needs. And if you know somebody that wants to get after it but they’re having trouble launching, the best advice I can give you is to be patient and supportive and remember this is about *them*. Overweight people want you to be there for them but they also need you to give them the grace to find their own path to success.

*bullshit

We gone!

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Email: William at manvsmood dot com